What I feel

Disclaimer: This post was written on various different dates, so you might notice the difference between one paragraph and the other in tone, choice of words, but the person I’m talking about is the same and is just an evolution of my emotions towards her.

Perspective is something amazing, you can live every day like they are the same, and time goes by like a gray blur. But one day comes something that to your mind changes everything, the moment when it happens is like the clock started running again, the colours come back and you are aware of it. Everything remains the same but to you that change on perspective meant everything. Then the moment pass and you can't go back to not care, to that gray blur, you already saw the light and now the reality feels like it needs something else.

It can be anything from a world changing event to something so simple as taco Tuesday a person that light up your life or a new episode of a TV show. Perspective will always add that little extra to your life.

I use to live in that gray blur, I use to wake up every morning and think of suicide. I actually look for 2 or 3 minutes to that single shotgun shell I have beside my bed and look back at my shotgun, only one thought on the back of my mind always told me “let’s leave it for tomorrow” and I’ll go on, but also every time I stood beside traffic I remember thinking in just dropping in front of a bus or on the tracks of the subway and just think, it would be so simple. But never did because I use to think on I could not leave my little brother alone. And yes he is an adult, yes he has taken care of me more times than I could have paid for his food but in some weird way I thought that I might be needed for something.

That was my life wake up, hate my life, work, back to bed. It was horrible but at least monotony had some kind of comfort, because everything was constant and the pain was the same, keeping it without going further, but then you came in, you appear out of nowhere, at first it was something simple, an assignment, a work thing, by the way, did I ever mention to you that I had I deal with Mireles, once I said to him “If you ever are going to get me a shadow (Someone to sidejack me) make it a pretty girl” it might sound horrible misogynistic but as always it was a joke, but he took it for real and you came in there you where, beautiful in every way, I had to leave but I wanted to stay with you, but the SUP had told me that I could not make over time because of my poor results so I had to leave, but I liked you from the beginning. Most people don’t even look at me after that, but you kept coming back; to say hi, to eat with me, to read with me, to talk with me. After that my life was not the same, that gray blur started to be defined, it had colour, light and shadow and my days no longer started with me staring at that shotgun shell. I thought in how your laugh pick up my spirit, how your hi made my day, and your smile brighten the whole place. But where there is light is shadow, and that day came, the day I had to be there and you were not. That day was eternal, horrible and even more depressing than before, in that moment is when I realized that you were making my days worthy. Before of that I had a constant movement to check for the time, after you came in my life my constant movement was to look in your direction, might sound creepy but I just wanted to catch a glimpse that’s all, something to cheer me up a little. And if you realized by now you became really important for me.

My mind has start playing with the idea that you might like me, not only like me as a human but, you know, relationship wise. At the begging I thought you were nice to me and that’s it, but then you were with me almost all the time, even once you apologize to me for not eating with me. You know I did not care to eat alone, I appreciate a lot when you are close and talk to me, you even invited me to church, and I’m sure you know I do not go to religious stuff but for you I said yes, I would have gone anywhere you told me to at any time. I even worked on my day off, just to be able to be close to you, I mean I can be part werewolf part hunchback of Notre Dame but I can recognize beauty anywhere and you are beautiful, and I always like to have a beautiful woman with me, more if she wants to be there and talk to me. When we chat on the phone, goes more than just some phrases, we talk, you tell me about your life and ask me about mine, is a real conversation, but then again, this might be because you are a nice human not because you like me any other way. Also when we chat you are playful and fun, to the point I don’t know if you are flirting (I’m  very slow and bad for it) but I have gotten to the point when I think that you are, but a part of my mind say “She is not, she is just nice and showing you some friendship” and I don’t want this to go away, you are important in my life and I don’t want to make things different between us. But also I want to be able to hug you and keep you by my side, my mind is all messed up right now and I do not know how to deal with this, the only thing that I have clear is that I want you close to me and that I have a serious crush on you.

The moment I think I finish falling for you was when our SUP set that board on your station, I was about to kill him for doing that to you (Or at least to speak to him) but then I saw you and how you already took it like a chance to prove your abilities and skill, I was amazed by your courage and the power on your words, I just though in that moment that you were perfect, and I still think you are.

After some time I noticed that you stop eating with me, you did not kissed me when say hi any more, damn you don’t say hi to me some times, and barely chatted with me, most likely just to answer when I said something, the first thing I thought was to ask you, to know if I did something wrong, but then I thought that you might have realized I like you and you don’t want to break that illusion so you just try to avoid me so it will pass, also now you go with your friends and eat with them, have more people to talk to on your chat, have a lot of things going on in your life and I understand, but I see now that I might have been mistaken about you being interested in me as anything more than a friend, but after I think that you come back, sit with me, talk to me out of nowhere and we keep a conversation, even I told you about going to church together and you could dodge it easy but you said yes, so every day I’m more uncertain of what should I do, one thing is certain, I can’t get rid of this crush no matter how hard I try, you are locked on my heart.

Not to be pessimistic but right now, I hate my life in general, in 6 hours I'll wake-up to go to work where I'll see a beautiful girl that every day I'm more convinced she wants nothing with me but I can't stop thinking about her, to the point I actually feel sick because my mind say "She is not in to you" but my heart say "go for it" a battle that almost always win my mind until she speaks to me and tells me to go with her anywhere. And in my mind I know that I'll walk by her side no matter any obligations or commitments because even knowing she might not like me that way I'll kill just to be her shield and ensure she is happy and never harmed in any way. But I know she doesn't need me for that, she is strong enough to walk alone and that makes me love her even more. I just want it to stop, I want my world to be grey again, miserable and without expectations, I do not want to be happy when she talks to me, or sad when she is not there, I do not want to feel rage when other guys talk to her or want to run by her side when she needs help. I just want it to stop. When I think she is out of my mind and heart she comes back stronger. Every time I think I'm over this just one word or one look and I fall again. I'll try to go back to my plain boring life for this week, she was not very interested in me last time I think I'll be able to rip it from the root in a couple of days if she continues to be like that and go back to the void. It might be only emptiness but I know it very well.

It has been almost 2 weeks of having almost not contact with you, that helped a little. What really helped was meeting you at church, not exactly going with you but what happened after, it was subtle but even that was the last nail on the coffin that I needed, and you might have not realized but, as I mentioned you before, I have enough experience at being unwanted that I can catch up certain signs, yes I might be slow in general but I got one very clear, I offer you to give you a ride home and you said no, no matter how polite someone is nobody rejects a ride home, unless you know the other person likes you and you do not and don’t want to give any false hopes. I told you before, you are a good person, you worry about other people feelings and that is so rare at this time, it hurt me that rejection, I’ll not lie, one small part of me at that point wished that you said yes and we could continue talking on the way home, maybe even go somewhere else, but as I told you once that is just the mind of a writer, I can create a whole story just from one look, one phrase. But you said no, kind and polite but even so it was a no and the last nail on this coffin, it helped me to try to overcome this and move on. Also the distance that now is between us and you might not noticed but this distance has been growing, you started to spend less time with me, after that was less and less messages, and now you do not contact me at all and just say hi if we cross paths, I’m still grateful for that, as I answer to one of your questions once, yes I only chat to you on aspect and losing that was a hit, but later I sent you a message and you just said it was normal and we are still friends, well I suppose just friends who do not talk to each other very much.

Now my mind and heart are at ease, I got peace, if you wonder why, it was the karate, my mind needed focus to deal with my life, mind and emotions and nothing gets you into focus like someone trying to beat the living shit out of you. And yes the decision of getting into a tournament with no training in almost a year was heavily influenced by trying to get over what I feel for you. At the beginning I was trying to get over this crush but then after everything was said, done and kicked I realized that a crush is not something I get over, I needed to dissect it and rationalize it, I learned that it is something that I’ll live with it all my life and I’ll take everything I like about you and set it in my mind and heart so maybe one day I can find someone with all those qualities, but as I told you is very difficult find someone like you. But now I can move on, you’ll always be a good friend to me and I appreciate you a lot. Also my offer still up, if you need any help just ask me and I’ll do whatever I can to help you. And, as a side note, what I was thinking about during the last fight was that if I got the gold medal that would mean you like me, is silly and stupid but let’s just say that the other guy didn’t deserve that kind of opponent.

The evolution of this emotions has been a rollercoaster, if you think this was a mess think of it like I went through all of this in less than 45 days that’s why I say that I’m like the song of Metal Man: Made of Metal, I fall in love fast and intense but I can also cool down and go back to that void fast.

Good thing at the end, I stopped contemplating suicide every day when I wake up.

And I thought that was the end but after some days you came back and that is not over yet.

I called you “Kitten” to me was a cute nick name, and I thought you didn’t mind but then you told me you didn’t like it and I had to stop, if you thought that offended me of hurt me, you are mistaken, that made me love you even more, I always had said that I do not want a princess in distress, I want a warrior, a Valkyrie. And when you told me not to call you kitten I just remembered on part of a song I like:

Lyrics

Теперь ты в группе риска,

мой загнанный герой
Ты подошел так близко,

я тигр, а не киска
Осталось заманить мне тебя к себе домой

и там убить

Translation

Now you're at risk

My deadbeat hero

You came so close

I am a tigress, not a kitten

It's left that I entice you to go home

And die there

What I want to say is that this just made me think of you telling me that you are not harmless and can defend yourself, actually made me smile, yes it hurt a little because was yet again a new way I saw that you were not interested, but then you came an apologize to me, it was nice and I appreciate it a lot, that moment just made my week you sitting beside me, even for that brief moment.

No matter what, you'll always be my Valkyrie, you are the strongest person I know

I became floor support and after that moment you came back to my days, I did not care I had to leave late, I even liked that because it meant to at least say good bye to you almost every day, see your smile or even hear your voice, and that made the whole day, but as I said before, that also meant that if I miss a glimpse from you that will crumble my day and I tried to get over it but I can’t

 I have been in the US, Canada, England, France, Belgium and across Mexico. I have known women from all over the world from every continent and every race and to me you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You got so deep into my heart that you became part of it and that's why it pains me when you are away.

And not just beautiful in the superficial way, but you are, strong, independent, smart, funny, you have a lot of courage and are very wise. Never let anyone tell you different, I love the way you are, I love the way you face adversity and how you do not need anyone, I just wish I could be with you.

I might look like a Berserk Viking or a rabid wolf, but I’ll be your berserker and brought you the skulls of those who wrong you and I’ll be your rabid wolf who will torn apart anyone who tries to hurt you, just to be by your side.

For the last months my heart had feel like it was tangled in barb wire, and it is not a nice feeling, but after some time I got use to it, as you can imagine if you leave it alone that pain becomes part of you. But yesterday I got some news, to me they were bad. I felt like someone grabbed my heart by the barb wire and rip it out of my chest. I felt sick and lightheaded. The reason is that I will not be able to see the person who light up my days anymore.

So now I feel like there is nothing inside but the person who ripped off my heart was kind enough to leave the barb wire inside so the pain remains.

Now we reach the point where I think is going to be the end, you leaving the work place, the city and I suppose my life, the only thing is that I believe I always take all the wrong choices it doesn’t matter if I follow my heart, my mind of go against every fiber of my being I took the wrong path, and I suppose that you reading this was also a bad choice because you might feel bad and that is not my idea, or you might say that you did liked me and thought I was distant and I didn’t liked you so that’s why you went away. As I said there is no right answer for me.

I thought to say this to you in January but now you are leaving and there is no way for me to say it in person, but I want you to know it. If you need to know one thing about me is that I have to say what I have in my mind and heart, I do not know how are you going to take it but I wanted you to know, I’ll be here if you need me for anything, I’ll do my best no matter where we are or the distance apart you can count with me and I love you.

I'll like to say I give you my heart, but is not mine to give, is already yours